The day feels gray. So many questions on my mind now. There are things I would love to pursue but can’t just yet, stuff I wish I could continue but won’t be able to. Just yet. Those two words give me hope. In my world right now, those two words
me to hope. And for now, that has to be enough. Maybe one day, sooner than I expect, I will be able to pick up where I left off. I was enjoying a smooth run, a happy stretch, and then almost suddenly there are all these tiny little pause buttons that have been pressed. Nothing major, really, but the sum of it all makes me, well, sigh.
Today, right this very minute, I am tired of hoping. And trying. So I will just rest for a while. Maybe read a book or wrap a gift, or listen to a song that makes me happy. I will try to do something that gives me a measure of pleasure, no matter how fleeting. If Juliana was already home from school I would just have to ask her about the antics of her little friends and I would have something to laugh about for sure. Laughter is good, it always works at lifting the heart, and is also always better than crying. Crying really does make you so ugly after, with the eyes all puffy and the nose red. Yes, wrapping a gift very beautifully sounds good. I should do that immediately. It would make me feel better and then when I have enough courage again, I can go back to hoping, and expecting.
My sister-in-law Rica and my brother Jules lost their baby. In a routine checkup the doctor could not find the heartbeat anymore. We were all very excited about that pregnancy, and we loved the baby already even if we had yet to meet him/her face to face. But then again, who are we to question God’s infinite wisdom? There must be a good reason why that had to happen, and it is for all of us to accept fully even as we do not understand it. There are frustrations of a lesser kind, too — a project that cannot take off, key people in government agencies that do not take calls, letters sent out to the universe that stay unanswered (dead mail?), political opponents that play dirty at every turn, clutter that continues to grow no matter how much I tidy up, a trip I have to take alone, without my family. I could go on and on about all that is wrong in my life right now but what good would that do me? It would not change what is.
People ask for favors, thinking that because I have an official title I can move mountains. Well, I can’t. Even if at times I really want to. As with anything, there are limits to what I can and can’t do. Instant results are wanted — no, they are demanded. But how many times do I have to explain that, especially in government, there is a process? An often very long one at that.
Do I feel bad about all these? Of course I do. I feel helpless at times. I always try to do what I can, with the resources available, but as I am finding out now more than ever contentment is always relative. At any given time, two people can have a different perspective on the same thing. No one has to be right or wrong, that’s just what it is essentially, a different take on things. One day I will learn not to take things personally.
How does God do it? We do not give Him time to rest. I do not give Him time to rest. With my concerns alone, He must be drained! But who else can I run to? Thankfully, He does not have it in Him to get tired.
I do get tired. Very. But there really is a God because just when you are all but ready to give up, a breakthrough peeps through the curtains of the day. Sometimes even the promise of it is enough. It makes everything feel new again, somewhat better, so you keep on.
The days will continue to unfold, months will melt into years, and you get scarred here and there but despite the disappointments you never quite learn to detach yourself anyway. Hope always has a way of drawing you into it beautifully. Which is always a good thing, I think. The world would be so sad without hope in it.
So right here and right now I will allow myself to feel sad about all that is not quite right just yet. Sitting with that feeling does not have to be good or bad, nor does it have to mean anything. It also does not have to dictate any outcome in the future. It can just be a feeling, nothing more, nothing less. And it will pass. It has to. Tomorrow is a different day.
I’ve learned not to give too much weight to the questions that swim in my mind when life chooses to play out differently. All my life I’ve been told that God is brighter than I will ever be. I have never doubted that so why should I wonder too much? As always, I must just go with the flow, holding on to the prayer in my pocket. Life is never just up to me or about me. The world is much bigger out there. There are other players involved. I do not have to take it all upon myself.
Mother Teresa once said “Life is a promise, fulfill it.” I’ll try to remember that, especially today when my day feels gray.
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